so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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