im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
