I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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