Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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