The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
