you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
