Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
