Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
