I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
