I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
