Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
