every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You had me at "let me see your balls"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
