Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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