apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
