So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
