That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
