if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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