What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
