How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
