respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
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Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
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Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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