ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
