I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
