I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
