Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
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I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
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I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize