take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
