i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
