Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
even my farts smell like vagina
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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