I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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