I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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