Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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