wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
