I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
