I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
