hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
