Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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