what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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