dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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