Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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