I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
