I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I love you.
Bad choice
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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