yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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