You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
