I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
BRING THE BAGELS
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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