is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
