Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
