God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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