Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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