oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
