I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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