oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
