I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
