Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
