The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
