cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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