i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
