I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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