I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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