Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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