Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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