Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
