her vagine was all disorganized.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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