I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
