She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
